Shade and honey

I’ll cry gardens while you burn
‘Cause no one here can save you
She’s returning to the Earth
But one day she’ll be silver
(Sparklehorse: Shade and Honey lyrics)

When we drove down to the hospital on the day my mother died,
My aunt was driving.
We were in the rented car.
The radio was playing “Shade and Honey” by Sparklehorse.
I was gazing idly out the side window and noticed that we were the only car on the expressway.
I noted how easy it would be to change lane at this time of night.
And during that ride, we talked about everything.

Touching the heart

Sometimes you hear a song from a band and it just touches you somewhere deep in the depths of your heart in a place you never knew existed. And then you hear their other songs and yes, it’s the same.

I only can recall 2 bands like this right now, Kent and Mercury Rev.
Kent kept me company when I slept by my mother ‘s bedside, both of us taking a short afternoon nap before her dinner came and we had to start doing all the feeding and cleaning and stuff.
Mercury Rev kept me company during my internship when I had a bad quarrel with my co-worker and somehow ended up kind of ostracized.

Signs that a terminally ill patient is dying soon

1) She rejects and ignores the person she used to care about most
The day before she died, she just kept ignoring me and refusing to listen to what I had to say to her. As I was in an extremely disturbed mood that day, I got a little pissed. She then kept stealing glances at me but although she saw I was angry, she just ignored me. After her death, I found out from others whose parents had died that their parents also rejected the child they were closest to before they died. They said it is because the parent does not want the child to form attachment to them and become sad when they leave.

2) She keeps covering her face.
My mother had a fever on the night she died. We got her an ice pack and placed it on her forehead, but she kept grabbing it and shielding her eyes with it. We later found out from one of our relatives at the wake that another person that she had witnessed who passed away also kept shielding her eyes just before she died.

3) You experience any unexplained disturbing dreams about that person’s death
My mother died on Monday but on Saturday she was still ok. However on Saturday night I dreamt that my mother came back come but she was not a person (ie. a ghost). Then I woke up and hid in the kitchen crying and saying “不要丟下我不管(don’t abandon me)”. Then my father came to comfort me and I fell asleep on his bed. I then dreamt that my mother came home with her sister (who’s still alive) and my mother was not a ghost. There were a lot of black birds flying outside the kitchen window but they were not crows, they were mynahs, I knew because one of them got trapped inside and I let it out. Suddenly I realised something weird about my mother and her sister, and when I looked at them I realised that my mother’s sister also had my mother’s face! Then I realised that the whole thing (my mother and her sister) was an illusion and I was confused whether I should accept the ‘thing’ as my mother or not, cause it looked like my mother, it acted like my mother, but it was not my mother. When I woke up, I was very disturbed and kept crying for the rest of the day. When the patient in the next bed died, I cheered up as I thought it was caused by me fortelling the death of the person in the next bed, but in the end, I had predicted the death of my mother but I didn’t even know.

4) The person keeps requesting for you to stay by her side
My mother kept asking my sister to stay by her side the day before she died.

5) The person starts acting unreasonably
My mother acted very unreasonably on the day before she died, refusing her medicine and even kicking the table that they were on away. One of my aunt’s friends who passed away recently was also said to have become very unreasonable 1 week before her death, scolding everybody who came to visit her.

6) If the person is in hospital, it was said by one of our relatives that if her bed number is placed reversed, the patient is condemmed (as in written off)
This was told to me by one of my relatives, who worked in a hospital before. Whether it’s true or not I don’t know. What I know is that my mother’s bed number was reversed. On the day she moved to the ward, the paper with her doctor’s name on it flew away but no one replaced it.

7) Everyone gets emotional for no reason when they visit the patient.
The older people especially, will be kind of able to predict the death of the patient, you’ll see them asking all the relatives who haven’t visited yet to visit. One of my father’s sisters even brought her pastor to the hospital to bless my mother, which is unusual cause usually she’s not the kind to force her religion onto others.

8 ) She becomes unusually well just before her death.
I did not witness this cause I spent most of my mother’s last day out in the corridor crying, but my mother was well enough in the morning to ask for cheng tng (a kind of dessert) and even ate 5 mouthfuls. My sister also managed to feed her two of the jellies I had bought her previously. I think many people have heard of this one, it’s called 迴光返照 (not sure if the chinese words are correct though)

And unto dust she shall return IV

Previous: And unto dust she shall return III

We opted to take her photo and incense urn home for the duration of 49 days needed for her to reincarnate.
At home we offer incense her meals to her for 7 days, and then for the remaining days we just offer incense.
Cause the chinese believe that on the 7th day she will realise that she is dead, and will not need food daily anymore.
They also believe that on the 7th day, she will come back to visit us.
The seventh day is tomorrow.
I hope she will be happy with what she sees.
I am also wondering how she will come back.
In my dreams or for real?

Sometimes I find myself thinking, ‘But maybe she’s not really dead? Maybe they made a mistake at the hospital?’ And then I kick myself, of course she’s dead, in the hospital her ECG was a straight line (with machine error of course), rigor mortis had already started to set in when we left, her hands were already growing cold. The body in the coffin was hers, of course she’s dead.

They say that the deceased will visit you in your dreams.
But so far all I’ve had are weird dreams.
The first one was that I met her in one of the places I dream about, and I wanted her to promise that we’d meet again in this dream enviroment.
Then suddenly I asked her, “You’re really my mother right?” and then she turned into another unknown auntie and ran away laughing.
I was not scared or angry, just like “huh?”
The second one was that I met this auntie and for some reason I felt very affectionate towards her.
Then I found out that she was actually my mother in a different body.
The third one was that I was a young blonde guy and I was chased around Ikea by a lot of Swedish aunties for goodness knows what reason. I ran like hell.
Huh?

If you’ve ever experienced the death of anyone that you were really close to, all those death scenes in movies and soap operas will seem melodramatic and silly to you.

Next: Signs that a terminally ill patient is dying soon

And unto dust she shall return III

Previous: And unto dust she shall return II

The next day we went to collect the ashes from Singapore casket.
The guy at Singapore Casket removed all the metal pieces from the bones.
A metal ring from her watch, and some metal pieces from the coffin.
Her bones were very porous because of all the medication she had been taking.
They arranged the bones on the red cloth in order, leg bones first, then the remaining bones, then the skull.
Then they wrapped it up and my sister carried it, along with the incense.
I carried the umbrella to shield her from the sun.
Cause the Chinese believe that the ashes cannot be exposed to sunlight.

We brought the bones to Bright Hill Columbarium.
I was supposed to choose a niche for my mother.
They brought us to the older building housing the cheapest ones, which were freehold, but the place was really dark and the urns were all stacked up behind cabinets.
It reminded me of a Chinese medical hall.
Anyway the only available spaces were so high up I could barely see them.
So I said “No, show us to the new block”.

So we went to the new block.
It was very nice and peaceful.
However, it was only 60 year lease.
By the time it expires, I will be 79 years old.
I don’t even know if I will be in an urn already by then.
Then who will renew it?
I’d better have children.

We took a niche in the new block.
The pricing was very nice too ><
The cheapest ones were the lowest floor and the highest two floors. Almost $4000 already.
The most expensive ones were the ones at normal standing eye level. Almost a whopping $10 000!
We took one on the second level.
Not too pricey, and just the right height for me to sit down on the floor and get cosy with it.
It had a nice number too 🙂

The funeral was a simple one, but even then, it cost more than my motorcycle.
Not counting the cost of the niche
My aunt paid for a large part of it.
She knew we still have to settle the hospital bill.
Big thanks to her.

Next: And unto dust she shall return IV

And unto dust she shall return II

Previous: And unto dust she shall return I

The first day I cried a lot.
Only close relatives came, cause the word hadn’t spread.
After the embalming, my mother didn’t look like herself. They had made her look too plump, combed her hair all back and tucked her t-shirt into her jeans, something she never did.
They returned us my mother’s own jeans cause she couldn’t fit into them.
The monk came to do the Buddhist rites.
I didn’t know what to do and was confused.

The second day everyone came and it was very busy.
During funerals,few people come until something like 2000hrs onwards.
Then everyone comes and it is like a riot of activity and everyone talking so it seems like a hum instead of individual voices.
There were only two daughters (me and my sis) and we had to become waiters (give out the drinks and the plates with the melon seeds, peanuts, sweets and the red string) and keep track of the ‘peh kim’ (白金 or condolence money).
Actually the daughters are just supposed to kneel by the coffin, but we were severely understaffed.
My aunts had to help out too.

We stayed overnight on all two nights to keep my mother company.
Even though we were sleeping in the same room as a corpse, I wasn’t frightened.
Why would you be frightened of your own mother?
My only complaint was that it was too bright, but we had to keep the light on because of chinese superstition.
Singapore Casket has bathing facilities, but they are kind of lousy and camp-ish.
I only found out on the second day.

The third day was the day she was cremated.
We booked a bus to ferry all the relatives to Mandai to watch the cremation.
I was worried that no one would come but I didn’t have to worry cause almost everybody did.
The person from Singapore Casket came to see how much of the stuff in the room we’d consumed.
On the first day, they provided everything we’d need in the room, peanuts, drinks, plates, red string, black plastic bags, etc.
On the last day, they came to see how much we’d consumed or opened and then charged us accordingly.

The monk came to do the rites again.
This time there was a person from Singapore Casket to instruct us and there were more relatives involved.
I could hear people crying.
I didn’t feel as upset as I had been on the first day because I had already kind of accepted it by then.

We went to Mandai crematorium.
My sister, being the eldest, rode in the hearse.
She had to tell my mother when to get on, get off, and when they were passing over a bridge with water.
My aunt drove with the rest of my family.
I saw another car behind us belonging to my cousin.
Everyone else took the bus.

During the cremation, we are not supposed to cry because it’s supposed to be a happy send off.
I didn’t cry.
I only wanted to comfort my mother, in case she was scared.
I told her in my heart, ‘don’t be scared, I’m here, just bear with it for a while and then you’ll be free’
Just like what I’d usually tell her when she was in pain.
I couldn’t do anything to help ease the pain, so I would tell her ‘don’t worry, I’m here, just bear with it for a while’, and hold her.
But I couldn’t hold her so I had to do it in my heart.
The coffin went in and the door closed. We didn’t even see the flames.

Then we went home to sleep.

Next: And unto dust she shall return III

And unto dust she shall return I

My mother passed away on Monday after a long and difficult battle with cancer.
It was very hard for me to come and write this blog entry because I know I will cry again.

She was in a lot of pain and as much as I miss her, I have to admit this is perhaps the best way that it could turn out.
Her organs were slowly failing and she was breathless often. The doctor had given her three months, but we did not expect her to leave us in only a few days.
We had arranged for her to go to a hospice near our home so we could take care of her, but she left even before she could be admitted.

They called us in the early morning on Monday.
Strangely everyone was talking and laughing in the car when we drove there.
After all the worrying we had gone through, it felt kind of like a closure.

When we reached her she had just gone.
When I saw her I thought ‘oh my God, she’s so pale, her complexion is so yellow’.
Her expression reminded me of a skull, she looked like she had died gasping.
I was guilty that we hadn’t stayed with her that night and instead we had gone home.
Her body was still warm.
We told her everything we wanted to tell her.
And I lay over her body waiting for it to grow cold.
I held her hand until it was cold, then I held her lower arm, then her upper arm.
I felt that while the body is still warm, the spirit is still present.
I wanted to comfort her.

People cry in a different way when someone close to them dies.
If you’ve never heard it before, it sounds a little like the way the hysterical people cry in soap operas when their parents die, only it’s real.
I cried so much that my family was worried.

We held the funeral at Singapore Casket.
The hospital transported the body to the mortuary via an underground tunnel. We could not follow it there.
The Singapore Casket van picked up the body from there.

We drove home to collect my mother’s clothes and her photograph.
I chose the clothes and the photograph.
The clothes were the ones she always wore normally, a t-shirt and jeans.
We took two pairs of jeans, one pair was a pair she liked, the other pair was a pair she had given to my sister cause it was too loose for her.
But we brought it because we didn’t know if she could fit into her old jeans because her legs were swollen.
The photo was from her motorcycle training booklet.
I remember we went to take photos at SSDC cause no one had a spare photo for their training booklet.
The machine only accepted coins, and $6 worth of coins.
I took 1 set of photos and found them ok.
She took 1 set of photos and then thought they made her look stupid.
So she took another set that she liked a lot and decided to use for her booklet.
Anyway we were searching for a lot of $1 coins that day.
I couldn’t find the remaining photos from that set so I brought her training booklet there instead.

I took leave for the whole week.
My supervisors were very nice about it.
Usually the school will negotiate with the company for things like this, such as giving the student more leave.
This time the company was the one negotiating with the school.
It was very nice of them.

We drove to Singapore Casket to arrange the funeral.
The flowers were chosen by my aunt. We chose the colourful ones because the rest looked like they were for old people.
We tried to keep it simple, but elegant and tasteful.
We also put up an obituary in the chinese papers cause most of her friends would probably read the chinese papers.

Next: And unto dust she shall return II